The Defining Decade

• Readability 10/10
• Emotional connection 10/10

The Defining Decade is a quick read (about 150 pages) that is relevant to pretty much everyone in their twenties. The author Meg Jay is a psychologist, and she aims to help twenty-year-olds take control of their lives, dealing with the struggles of love, careers, and self-confidence. She shares many relatable stories of “twentysomethings” figuring out what they want for their lives – such as how to pursue a career, deal with a frustrating job, find love, maintain relationships, and in general deal with the uncertainty of adult life. And, she emphasizes how our years in our twenties are so consequential to the rest of our lives. So often, many critical events happen during this period – moving away from home, graduating from college, getting the first “big kid” job, falling in love, getting married, having children, and more. So she wants to be sure that her clients and readers know that they need to make the most of this time – not in a “party, live it up, YOLO” sort of way, but in a productive way that sets you on the journey towards your life’s goals.

While many twentysomethings struggle with problems like not knowing exactly what they want to do, or not knowing how to meet someone, she puts forth the straightforward knowledge that you’ll never find out if you don’t take the first steps to try. The fear of “what if I’m not good enough?” shouldn’t stop you from trying new things. Meg shares a quote from Dale Carnegie: “Inaction breeds fear and doubt. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy”(124). You’ll never know if you want to form a lifelong career out of something or a relationship with someone if you don’t give it a chance. And if you don’t like your career after a few years of intense pursual, or a person after a first date, you always have the option to switch! All you need to do is take the right action for you.

She even goes as far as telling her clients about fertility in their twenties. Young people often assume that they’ll just worry about the present, and not think about whether or not they want kids in the future – they’ll cross that bridge when they come to it. Little do they know that if they delay these important decisions regarding their health and relationships now, they may regret it later, when they can’t get pregnant or don’t have as much energy as they’d like to have when spending time with children. It takes a young woman four to five months of having sex to get pregnant and this time only increases with age (140). One quarter of pregnancies after the age of 35 and one half after the age of 40 end in miscarriage – I was shook to learn this, especially as I would like to have a big family (140). And having children later means you may be forced to take care of young children and aging parents at the same time – neither task is easy, and combined, they will take a toll on you. Some alarming information, but definitely good food for thought.

“Be intentional… you are deciding your life right now”

~Meg Jay

 And it’s not just babies that are important to think about, but also careers and relationships. Meg recommends choosing a career in your twenties that helps you build “identity capital,” “the repertoire of individual resources that we assemble over time” that define who you are and help you get to the next level of whatever you’re trying to achieve (21). When you build identity capital, you are investing in yourself – in your health, wealth, and happiness. You are choosing the steps that will take you toward your larger life goals. Starting to work toward your goals when you’re young is important if you want your future self to be happy. At the end of the book, Meg asserts that “The future isn’t written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional…you are deciding your life right now.” (154). She gives us a strong reminder that the actions we take today will strongly influence our lives ten years from now.

For me personally, many of these monumental life events have already transpired – I graduated from college, started my first “big girl” job, and have fallen in love. I have yet to move away from home or take other big life steps, but I think I am well on my way at the age of 24 (scary to think that I’m already entering my mid-twenties!). I have definitely fallen under the trap of worrying about what I’m “supposed” to be doing based on what it seems other people my age are doing on social media, but I have come to be content with my life’s path and recognizing that everyone’s journey is unique. I have friends doing all sorts of different things, from moving to a new city, to getting married, but that doesn’t mean that I should be doing those things right now too. I believe I’m building strong identity capital in my current job and am focusing on saving money by living at home for the time being, and I look forward to whatever the future may bring. But this book gave me a great reminder to be intentional in all that I do, and helps me recognize that any step towards my goals is a progression in the right direction.